This morning, we will be making a trip up to Bentong. I woke up at 3.30am this morning, and couldn’t go back to sleep. While I know worrying is a waste of time, at the back of my mind, I have been worrying about some of the dogs we brought to Bentong on 15th Dec.
Even though our two vets helped us choose based on their expertise and know-how, we can never be sure if some of the dogs already have any diseases. Sometimes, I worry if in my next trip up to Bentong, I would see some in a dying state, just as I’ve seen at the pound. Or, already dead. Distemper kills within a week.
Ever since we carried out this 3-day rescue, there’s been armchair critics. One even said I should have taken the sick ones since they are more deserving than the healthy ones. This critic has a point, but she obviously doesn’t know I was working under constraints by LLLP that only healthy ones are allowed to be brought in. I appealed for the places, I have to abide by their rules.
Also, if I had taken the sick ones, the healthy ones would die by euthanasia. Given such a dilemma, what choice did I have? Every place available should be given to the one “most deserving”, yet who are we to decide who is the most deserving? Playing “God” is no fun, believe me. I empathise with our two vets – they had the hardest job that day.
The email that had been circulating for two weeks before this specifically said there were 40 dogs due to be euthanised should no one claim them. We did not know there were actually more than a hundred dogs awaiting their deaths. It was based on that email that I appealed for 40 places at the farm. I didn’t want to play God – I wanted to take them all. How was I to know the figure given in that email was inaccurate?
The faces of the dogs we did not get to rescue still appear in my mind every now and then. Would you like to be in my shoes, armchair-critics? Please don’t tell me which dog you think is more deserving than the other. You weren’t there.
Why weren’t you there? Tell me. Why didn’t you go the next day and rescue the ones who thought were more deserving?
Well-wishers write to me and they empathise how I must have felt on that day. People who know me, will understand how hard it has been for me. It isn’t easy, yet, I had the opportunity to save 40 lives (we saved 36 due to lack of space on the lorry), I had to save whoever I could, under the constraints. No, actually, we saved 59 in total, stretched over 3 days. That’s more than our target.
My inspiration comes from Bhante Wimala, a Sri Lankan monk of very humble origins, who, with his Triple Gem Society based in New Jersey, goes all over the world, saving human lives, in whatever ways possible. He is not an armchair CEO, he is there at the scene, doing hands-on work, together with his volunteers. During the height of the tsunami in 2004, I remember specifically one email from him, where he wrote how he copes with being unable to save many lives, or seeing people die right before him. He says as long as we have done our very best, given the circumstances and the less than perfect conditions that we have, we should be able to return to a place of peace in our hearts. We should rejoice having been able to help as best as we can. We have to find that place of serenity in our hearts to return to each day. That is true compassion. We must not suffer when we perform acts of compassion. Rather, compassion must bring us joy and happiness.
Compassion is not about crying in vain. It is not about feeling helpless and sorry. Compassion calls for great mental and emotional strength.
I remember when I first started this group, we lost Kaiser, one of our first cases. Kaiser was a little kitten who was stuck in a van engine, and the driver started the van unknowingly. Kaiser’s two legs were broken and he was in very bad shape. The first vet we set him to wanted him euthanised, but we said no. So, we sent him to another hospital. This hospital, unfortunately, decided to stabilise him for two days before even doing an x-ray. Our concern was that we did not want him to suffer, so all the hospital did was to give him morphine. They said nothing could be done until his condition had stabilised.
At that time, I did not know of any better hospital, and decided to place my entire trust in these doctors. When we finally knew a lot more could have been done for Kaiser, we pressed the doctors to “do something”. Kaiser was hanging on – he was so strong. So, an operation was arranged the next day, but Kaiser passed away just before the operation was performed.
How do you think I felt?
I cried for days, blaming myself for having sent him to the “wrong hospital”. But how was I to know that was the “wrong hospital”? At the time, I thought that was the best hospital available, with the best doctors.
So you see, this kind of work is never easy, especially when you are dealing with beings who cannot speak to you (but they can look at you with eyes of hope, though). I can only draw inspiration from Bhante Wimala’s words – as long as you’ve done your best, with whatever you have, you have to return to a place of peace in your heart, and find serenity…and yes, even joy. It is the joy of knowing that you have done your best, and that every living being comes with its own karma. We can only do so much. The rest is up to destiny.
So, today, I will be going up to Bentong to see the 35 dogs (lucky Shaggy is at the vet’s in KL now), and I hope I see faces of hope and happiness. I hope I see wagging tails and hear happy barks. I hope I get pawprints all over my tshirt.
Wish me luck!
And have a good Sunday.