5.30pm – memories of Daffodil

It is 5.30pm now.

No sign of Daffodil all day.

I am very sad to have to write this, but I think she has possibly crossed over. That was my fear on Saturday morning, that she had gone away to “cross over”.

Daffodil wasn’t lost at all. She spent all Saturday on our roof, right above us. By evening, she appeared to let me see her, on the roof. Many times too. On Saturday evening, I skipped a wedding dinner just to wait for Daffodil to return and I’m glad I did (apologies to the good friends, though), or I would have missed all these sightings as I stood on the road calling to her and she sat on the roof, nonchalantly looking at me all night. So many times. Each time I went out to the road, there she was, looking at me. But refusing to budge. I thought she was just not ready to come back and wanted time out. But on hindsight now, I think she already had no intention of coming back.

I didn’t even want to write about my dream last night (or rather, early this morning, before I woke up at 2.30am). I am not a staunch believer of dreams as it could be the mind playing tricks on us, but I’m not a skeptic either. I don’t disregard anything which I don’t fully understand.

Last night, in my dream, a young Daffodil, who looked very healthy and fit (and definitely young), came running to me from the playground when I called her. She was very happy. I was very happy too. That woke me up immediately and that was at 2.30am. I quickly looked all around the room, hoping she might be on the bed and under it. But she was nowhere to be seen. That’s when I went downstairs and went out to the playground to look for her. She wasn’t there. It was just a dream.

But I knew my dream was partly triggered by my unwillingness to believe she was gone. Even in my dream, I heard myself saying, “Who says Daffi is gone? Look, she is running towards me now…look at how happy she is.”

It was a dream. It was my subconscious speaking, perhaps.

I don’t know enough about dreams to interpret them so I prefer not to speculate and make conjectures. They are all maybes. That’s all.

I didn’t want to believe she was gone. The psychics said TWO DAYS. They said Daffi told them “two days”. I wanted to believe Daffodil would return today.

This morning I texted both the psychics again, to inform them that Daffodil had not returned. They read my message but did not reply. Just now, in the afternoon, the first psychic texted back to say she could no longer connect with Daffodil now. There is no more connection now.

Of course I am devastated. Why did Daffodil have to go away to “cross over”, if indeed it was time to cross over?

But perhaps it shouldn’t be so surprising, after all.

It’s the Calico pride. It’s  Daffodil’s pride. She had always wanted things on her terms.

Friends suggested I put her litter box out. Daffodil’s litter area was in the soil. She didn’t use any box. It was a special spot in the patio, in the soil.

My memories now:

Her four little tshirts, modified to specially fit her.

Look at the stain of the molasses and turmeric. Each time, I would put it on for about half an hour to one hour only. Then, I would wash it thoroughly and apply some sodium bicarbonate on the stain. I’ve managed to keep the tshirts reasonably clean from all the stains.

The bed she likes, at the patio. I haven’t removed the towel. See the stain on it – that’s the stain of the molasses too.

I saw stains on the floor of the secret spot on the roof too. That’s where she spent the whole of Saturday. She must have been lying there all day and only appeared to me in the evening.

I bought so many packs of the Bioresis for her, and 200 empty capsules. It was supposed to be for the long term. We were going to go through this together. She was going to get well. That was the plan.

When Daffodil was first diagnosed with a tumour (possibly cancerous), I thought it was take a complete miracle for the tumour to shrink. And the miracle happened – the tumour really shrank.

On Saturday, when Daffodil escaped by digging a hole under the fence, I didn’t think we needed a miracle for her to come back. Surely she was just out for a romp, for some fun. Surely she would return. She would be hungry and of course she would come back.

But she didn’t. And now, I’m praying for a miracle for her to return. Who would have thought that getting Daffodil to return home would be more difficult than getting a tumour to shrink?  It’s ironical, isn’t it?

And I bought a new Biosilver spray on Friday. The molasses+sodium bicarb mixture is still in the orange tupperware. I replenished the turmeric+VCO mixture on Thursday. Yes, this was supposed to be for the long term. It wasn’t supposed to end so abruptly. That wasn’t in the plan at all.

We were progressing so well and perhaps this is why I’m so devastated that Daffodil chose not to pursue this journey with me.

It is very clear that Daffodil wasn’t lost on Saturday. This is/was her choice. The fact that she stayed on the roof and let me see her on Saturday when she could have easily come down or come back through the open windows says quite a lot about her decision.

We apply our human desires on our animals. We humans want to fix everything. We humans THINK we can fix everything and are often unwilling to just accept what is and let Nature take its course.

There is a time and place for everything. We are born to live and to die. There is a time to let go, accept and find peace. Animals know this and live by this. We humans try to fix things and hope to make things go our way. Sometimes, we (think we) succeed. Sometimes, as hard as we try, we don’t.

As I write this now, I am still hoping that at any time, I might see Daffodil coming through the gate. And yes, I am still going out to look for her tonight. But as much as I hope to see her return, I also respect that Daffodil has made a decision and whatever that might be, it will be revealed to me, somehow (or perhaps it already has). And I must accept it and find peace in it.